My wife is all-but homebound (except for medical appointments) because she is on a toxic cocktail of chemotherapy for a rare and awful cancer. I offer this background only to set the stage for what I hope to convey. Because of her condition, our major activity together is watching TV, mainly movies and older TV series. We find little entertainment value and much political toxicity in most recent (say, since 2015 or so) productions. In fact, Netflix productions, like those “produced” (read ‘pay them off’ for their destructive service to the left) by the Obamas, are so uniformly obnoxious that I cancelled it.
Anyway, we are currently watching “The Sopranos”. It is particularly meaningful to me because I was born in Newark and grew up in Elizabeth NJ. Both the geography and culture are highly recognizable to me. My dad, though Jewish (not Italian), had a fair number of friends who would have fit into “The Sopranos” cast. He was able to get me summer jobs through several labor unions via his connections to some of the bosses. Lets leave it at that; I have my suspicions.
So, we’re into season 3 and as episode 8 (“He Is Risen”) starts to close on the credits, in the background but with lyrics clearly audible, comes the single “The Captain” by Kasey Chambers. For reasons I cannot corral - even after considerable thought - I became so tearful that I could not contain myself. I tried to explain to myself and my wife what this is about. I just don’t know. There is something mysteriously evocative and haunting about this track; I think it emanates from the melody, the reed like quality of the singer’s voice, and the lyrics.
As the episode closed and the song was cut short by the TV app (as it always does as episode end and this is annoying if one wants to read the credits or hear the accompanying audio), my wife - unmoved - wanted to continue to the next episode. My acts of (unsuccessfully) choking back tears, persuaded her to let me find a youtube video of the single, listen to it several times, and read the lyrics repeatedly. I have since read numerous analyses of the lyrics, but none really make sense to me. Mainly, they seem to be humble and self-effacing.
I have heard this track previously and always felt moved by it. Though not an aficionado of modern music of any sort (I tuned out in the late 1960’s), I occasionally hear tracks which get to me. There have been a handful over the years, but I can only remember one just now. There have been other tracks by other artists which have touched me, but I can only remember one: “If I Needed you” by Emmylou Harris and Don Williams. As I write, I am wishing I could recall this list of maybe a half dozen tracks and put them in my phone for listening as I drive (mostly this collection is hymns, some of which definitely stir my soul - but that is in a different domain).
I am a very introspective person. Since childhood, I have had the need to understand myself, intellectually and emotionally. I endeavor to understand the context of my emotions, thoughts and actions as well. The image which comes to mind is that of looking through a zoom lens. My mental process often consists of going back & forth between a “zoomed in” and “zoomed out” perspective of my self and events surrounding me. I both take pleasure in those feelings which transport me - like this one - and fear them at the same time, lest they carry me away out of control. I am deeply ambivalent, yet this feeling makes me feel intensely ALIVE.
My response to this song, as best I can tell, resembles what is called a “grief reaction”, a profound sense of loss. I first identified this and analyzed it with the help of a therapist. Of course, we discussed many aspects of my childhood, especially unmet emotional needs. Back then, I was reading a book by a psychologist named John Bradshaw. I forget the name of the book, but in it he said an infant needs a “loving, mirroring face”.
I reacted to those words (and numerous other life situations which brought to mind that same loss) with this same intense feeling - of grief, of loss. I somehow sensed I never experienced this expression of maternal love, so essential to an infant’s sense of value (and development of his sense of self-worth). The lack of this essential expression of maternal love - at a stroke - explained my overwhelming need for the love of girls beginning in grammar school and extending well into my adult life. The feeling was one of intense incompleteness, an emptiness in me which could only be filled by the adoration of this one!
Suffice it to say, I was on the giving and receiving end of much dysfunction and hurt as I swirled through the lives of serial women/girls like a tornado; a black hole of cloying dependency. Growing out of that took years and could only have happened - as it did - through recovery from opioid addiction. In passing, I should add that the kind of love addiction (a “process addiction”) I just described, often goes together with addiction to various substances (“ingestive addiction”). But that’s a big topic - too big for here.
So, I would be glad for any thoughts as to the question of why this, and a few other tracks are so evocative of intense feeling - so haunting, for want of a better word. My response to these intense reactions are NOT avoidant. I do not seek to avoid them. I actually welcome them, again because of the accompanying sense of ALIVE-ness. They seem to be cleansing in some way. The image is of a capacitor which has released its stored up charge even as it becomes ready to store more power for the next cycle - for when it is needed.
