I hve a working relationship with a charming, kind and generous young man—generous in spite of being penurious. He is an unwed father to a 9 year old boy. And he has a father living, several states away.
The last few years he has been accompanying me to get our Christmas tree, but I’ve come to…..not exactly dread, but kinda fear, our long ride to the site. He talks about his childhood Christmases (not very Dickens-y) while I sit in terror that we’re both going to cry. When he reminisces about his father, it’s painful to me: the man was violent toward his sons in their childhood, he appropriated the money set aside for my friend to go to college, he will call my friend (who doesn’t have a car, let alone the money for a plane ticket) and make like he’s dying and my friend better come see him for the last time….and, he repeatedly asks his son my friend to lend him money.
My friend related that his father had said, observing him with his grandson, “You’re a better father than I ever was.” Upon hearing that, my reaction was “DUH!” —(because it truly is a pleasure to see this young gent with his kid; they are so attentive, attuned, to each other,)—but that was wrong of me, I reckon.
Then, I met Dad and his second wife when they came North for a visit. He is a strapping, attractive, also very charming, man, and he hugged me and thanked us with tears in his eyes for “being so good” to his son. The two of them, in person, related as smoothly as my friend does with his child.
Face to face with this genial giant I wasn’t even seriously tempted to say, “Oh, don’t mention it! Of course we could never make up for all the shit YOU’VE put him through, but…” As I said, I was charmed! At least until I found out he had tried to borrow money from my friend before going back home.
Why am I writing this, on this Fathers’ Day? I could of course write about my own father, of blessèd memory, an unfailingly kind and patient daddy—but that leads into the more complex relationship with my older brother which I can’t understand and just don’t want to examine right now.
So more generally:
Does anybody “need” a father, I mean, once insemination is complete? Not really. Not like we all need a mother; she does it all, feeding, protection…we mammals would die in infancy without her,. She HAS to do it, I can attest having experienced the irresistible instincts unleashed by the postpartum hormones. (Well, there is an on-off switch in mammals which could result in mom killing and eating the young, but as long as she feels safe she’ll do the nurturing.) it’s an imperative, a drive.
But the male does not have to stick around, most male animals don’t, and father and offspring don’t ever know or recognize each other.
A human father, though, can give you things no one else can give. And he can withhold things no one else can give. Or do I mean he can spare you pain no one else could inflict?
All of you, dear polymaths, have obviously been endowed with a prodigious intellectual abilities to pass on to your children. A few of you I know to be kind and thoughtful as well. But that’s the least of it. Many of you are fathers (and to any still childless I wish it for you, it is a man’s portion on this earth) and ALL of you are sons.
Happy Fathers’ Day to you all!
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There is that old saying – For a boy to grow up right, he needs a good mother … or a bad father.
There seems to be a substantial body of evidence that boys do need fathers – good or bad. Much of today’s social problems can probably be traced back to taxpayers’ involuntary support for single mothers and regulatory discouragement of marriage.
As far as being a father, my guess is that it is just like being a mother – nobody ever gets it completely right, but lots of people really do try their best.
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